![]() 09/09/2013 at 12:39 • Filed to: None | ![]() | ![]() |
I was four hours into our journey from Virginia to Ohio. My wife and son were both asleep and I was listening to a ballad of road noise. The Mazda5, on loan to me from Mazda, is an excellent family vehicle, but all that extra space and glass turn the interior into an asphalt orchestra above 60 MPH.
As my eyes neurotically patrolled from hood-to-horizon on the never-ending treadmill of highway, I had an epiphany; I want an autonomous vehicle.
Like any other car junkie I enjoy driving, yet lately driving has become more of a fantasy than a reality.
We all share the same mechanical erotica; man and machine conquering barren paths of winding road as currents of air whisk intoxicating aural frills of exhaust into the cabin. Motoring Nirvana.
This is all a dream. Life isn’t filled with open roads and curves. There is nothing erotic about idling at 4 miles an hour across the 14th Street Bridge in DC or driving in a straight line for 9 hours across Kansas.
We want to believe that every time we start our car we are embarking on an enchanted expedition filled with the wonderful treasure that is automotive transit. We know this is a lie, yet we believe it anyways.
Well, I’ve accepted reality and concluded:
Not everything behind the wheel is beautiful, so I’m happy to let it go.
Aside from the safety benefits associated with autonomous vehicles, I think it could lessen the monotony of certain driving situations that many of us prefer to avoid. I’m sure many of you will condemn me as The Anti-Car abomination and order me drawn and quartered by a fleet of barely-running rust-covered Scouts, and I accept that punishment.
But before my ultimate demise, I ask that you think about the benefits of autonomous vehicles, especially as it relates to situations like traffic jams and long stretches of straight road. While thinking of this I do have one question for you:
What are the top five non-sex-related activities you would enjoy while relishing in the freedom of an autonomous car?
Here are mine –
Watch the road / Wait for system to crash: I’m skeptical as shit when it comes to technology. After spending so much time reading fatality data and reports, I’ll never trust another human and/or robot piloting me in a vehicle.
Record myself thinking aloud: Some of my best ideas come to me while puttering around in traffic. If I could record me thinking aloud while on the road, I would produce 23.5 blog posts a day.
Telework: If I worked at a place that allowed me to work-from-home, chances are I wouldn’t be in my car in the first place. But if I was, I would argue that any work I did while riding (is the driver in an autonomous car riding or driving?) counts towards my time in the office.
Keep watching the road. This system is going to crash and I need to be Johnny on the Spot to save us all from eminent death.
Browse Craigslist for automotive jewels to share on Oppo.
OK. Fire up the Scouts. I’ve said my piece.
![]() 09/09/2013 at 12:49 |
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Have sex.
![]() 09/09/2013 at 12:51 |
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Shoot up.
![]() 09/09/2013 at 12:54 |
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Play Need For Speed
![]() 09/09/2013 at 12:57 |
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Watch Drive .
![]() 09/09/2013 at 13:33 |
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1) Try to figure out how to turn off all the nanny systems and disable the autonomous car so I could have full control
2) "Debug the system" by figuring out what causes the system to crash to report back to the developers.
3) Contact a lawyer about anything found in idea #2 in order to profit.
4) Calculate the mpg the autonomous system gets and then try to beat it on the way home.
5) Think of things to make Juan Barnett pay for thinking this is a good idea.
![]() 09/09/2013 at 14:07 |
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Open the fuse box and start pulling things, the manufacturer may even be nice enough to label all the nanny system related fuses for you. However, I bet a truly autonomous car will helpfully drop you off at your nearest dealer service center with the slightest hint of trouble (or any end user modification related shenanigans).
![]() 09/09/2013 at 14:49 |
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I agree. Imagine if the majority of the cars on the road were all linked. Each had a pre-programmed destination.Every other car knew exactly when and where every other car would enter, exit, merge, change lanes, speed up, slow down, etc. It would be a thing of beauty. My commute would no longer be a source of stress, but of relaxation.
Let's admit it though. What do we do on a train or a bus or an airplane or a subway? With that free time we'd just play Candy Crush or read Oppo as we made our way to work.
![]() 09/09/2013 at 14:50 |
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But isn't that sex-related? (although I guess that may depend on what the meaning of the word of isn't is...)
![]() 09/09/2013 at 14:50 |
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I get sick if I read/play video games or do just about anything except look out of the windows, so I'd have to say I'd sleep.
![]() 09/09/2013 at 14:51 |
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I think, at first, I would simply revel in the fact that I have an autonomous car as an alternative as I drive in it. Then: telework, telework, telework.
![]() 09/09/2013 at 14:51 |
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I'd love the Autonomous vehicle for my drive home, absolutely. Or long road trips (specifically, the 1st half of the nearly annual trip from California to Colorado) where you don't particularly want to be awake for the majority of it. Because I sure as hell would sleep.
![]() 09/09/2013 at 14:53 |
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Man, I'm totally with you. I love driving around the canyons on the weekends and weaving through traffic on my way to work sometimes, but there are so many times where I would just love to press the "go home" button and forget about it.
![]() 09/09/2013 at 14:53 |
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Have more sex.
![]() 09/09/2013 at 14:54 |
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Barren, not baron.
I'd miss holding the gear and taking it to red line to get the thrum of the engine and the noise of the exhaust, fuel efficiency be damned! I'd miss taking a short cut that I know gets me there faster than my nav system says it will because I've explored the side roads and alleys. I'd miss hitting the on ramp and launching on to the expressway at speed and showing people how to f'ing merge.
I'd miss driving.
![]() 09/09/2013 at 14:55 |
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Booze and dominoes. This could make the road trip awesome again. Hell, you could turn 'driving' into a drinking game!
![]() 09/09/2013 at 14:55 |
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Drive a real car.
![]() 09/09/2013 at 15:00 |
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I get car sick:
argument nullified.
![]() 09/09/2013 at 15:00 |
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I imagine a world where everyone else is in autonomous cars and they all stay in the right lane, that would be awesome.
If it was me, alone in an autonomous car I'd probably bore myself to death since I also get extremely carsick if I try to read, use a computer or anything else like Dolemite said.
Or maybe I'd get drunk and hire a hooker.
![]() 09/09/2013 at 15:03 |
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I'd love an autonomous car so I could get a mean-ass blowjob on the way to work. Or even better...full on sex in the front seat....I can't be the only person thinking of this, hell I'll even settle for a handjob if I feel so inclined
![]() 09/09/2013 at 15:04 |
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I've come to this page a couple of times, and I've tried to write a comment, but I end up closing the page out of disgust. I want to get two things clear before I rant: one, I'm fifteen and it will be a while before I gain the extensive knowledge about automobiles that most people on Jalopnik/Oppo have, but I have an opinion. Two, I mean no disrespect to you, I'm just sad people are starting to think this.
If autonomous "cars" become commonplace, cars will die.
We don't get in our cars to drive, and then what? If we don't drive, we won't care about how a car drives. We won't care about how it goes around corners, how the gearbox feels, how the wheels respond to the touch of your fingers on the steering wheel.
Taking this logic further, in fully accepting autonomous cars, we might as well say good-bye to rear-wheel-drive and manual gearboxes. Say good-bye to the heel-and-toe. There will be no modifying, because one modifies a car to make it drive differently, unless it's visual modification.
Some here dream of an inter-connected stream of vehicles, following the same path, taking everyone where they want to go like robots. There's a name for that. Public transport. Buses, trains, airplanes, subways. And leave sex for the bedroom.
If autonomous "cars" become commonplace, they will do so exponentially, and normal cars will become outlawed in many places. At that time, a gearhead would not be blamed for fantasizing about a FWD Camry when surrounded by bland, electronic, self-driving machines.
No driving means: no car culture, no Jalopnik, no racing, no modification, no feeling the wind in your hair as you wind up a scenic mountain road in a cherry-red Triumph Spitfire, no rough breathing in your helmet as you're strapped in like a sardine in a bucket seat, no shifting gears, no clutching, no steering, no stepping on pedals, no shifting gears+clutching+steering+using pedals = no driving. No anything.
Car = drive.
NO DRIVE = NO CAR
![]() 09/09/2013 at 15:05 |
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+1 those right lanes lol
![]() 09/09/2013 at 15:06 |
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I should put a disclaimer on the fact that I don't want anything to do with this type of car. My commute used to be 3 minutes (2 miles). It is now 10 minutes (6 miles). I also live in a city of approximately 6,000 though the greater area is probably about 75,000.
![]() 09/09/2013 at 15:08 |
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I would love to be able to kick back and chillax on my ride home from work, and be able to take the wheel when it's time to experience some fun.
I just hope those autonomous cars can drive stick, otherwise I'm not interested :)
![]() 09/09/2013 at 15:11 |
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Do lines.
-Bill
![]() 09/09/2013 at 15:16 |
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It sounds great, but reality is likely to not be so wonderful. I'm quite sure the restrictions on what you can do while driving are likely to become more concrete if truly autonomous cars come about. Legislators are going to make sure that we are still in the drivers seat, still paying attention to the road, still not inebriated behind the wheel. That way the question of liability in the event of an accident is solved (the "driver" is still liable). Granted its going to be a lot safer than driving yourself, but I just don't think we're going to be allowed to do whatever we please behind the wheel. On top of all of that, someone is going to have to give autonomous car manufacturers a pass on killing < X number of people to due software or hardware issues otherwise who the hell wants to be on the hook for that.
![]() 09/09/2013 at 15:19 |
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Long distance driving is something I really enjoy. I've done a 1000 miles in one go twice. La Crosse, WI to Billings, MT and Newport, TN to S. Sioux City, NE. The trick to go east to west to gain a few more hours of daylight.
The interstate highway system is a thing of functional beauty.
![]() 09/09/2013 at 15:27 |
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Sleep.
Also, do what my wife does as a passenger:
A. Scream and be scared of all other moving objects on the road, even if the 'driver' has already seen them 5 minutes ago.
B. Tell the driver to stop making sharp turns on a very twisty road, because "its making me feel sick"
C. Tell driver to to slow down and/or hit and imaginary brakepedal.
D. Constantly adjust my hair in any mirror I can see.
E. Make strange noises when the 'driver' accelarates and/or constantly look at the speedo and sigh.
![]() 09/09/2013 at 15:27 |
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1) Steering Wheel Drums - Could go a step further and somehow set up an electric drum kit to play through the car stereo so you can jam with whatever's on the radio.
2) Agree with the thinking aloud, I'd get a whole lot more writing done if I could transcribe all the things that go through my head while sitting in the car.
3) Eat - Would be cool to kill 2 birds with one stone, rock a bunch of errands on my lunch hour and eat while you're driving in between.
4) Drink/Sleep - Because I CAN!
5) Watch TV/Play Video Games - I do it all the time at home any ways, why not do it in the car too?
![]() 09/09/2013 at 15:38 |
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Sleep. On long trips, you could travel at night while you slept and have so much more fun during the day!
![]() 09/09/2013 at 15:43 |
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"2. Record myself thinking aloud: Some of my best ideas come to me while puttering around in traffic. If I could record me thinking aloud while on the road, I would produce 23.5 blog posts a day."
Why can't you do that now? Just get a recorder app, or a dashcam, and just talk to yourself! Plenty of people do car vlogging
![]() 09/09/2013 at 15:46 |
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I am totally sympathetic here. My situation, a 150 mi "commute" that I drive 2-3 times a month. It's on
I-35 between Duluth and Minneapolis, a boring ass straight, featureless stretch of shitty highway. I'm almost always by myself and as much meditative thought aka talking to myself as I do, I've often though this stretch of road would be a perfect test bed for an auto-pilot car. I wouldn't ever give up the act of driving where I can be at least minimally engaged, but cursing at the never ending parade of left lane slugs, tail gaiters, weaving texters and general idiots only provides so much driving enjoyment. All that being said, I too inherently distrust a lot of current automotive technology when it comes to systems that encourage disengagement of the driver. If I were to make use of an auto pilot, it would only be for the above type of drive and only if the systems had built in redundancy.
![]() 09/09/2013 at 15:48 |
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If I had to drive a family around in a minivan, I would share your sentiment.
![]() 09/09/2013 at 15:50 |
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I have no commute to speak of, so I long for autonomous vehicles for the family road trip. With little kid(s), especially those still confined to a car seat, you can only cover ground effectively when they are asleep, so driving overnight is ideal... except for that whole driver not getting to sleep bit. BAM! Autonomous cars to the rescue! Except that I too would be paranoid that it would screw up and kill us all in our sleep, so there is that. But a sleep deprived parent can dream can't he?
As a side note, I have this crazy idea that once autonomous cars become common, it will be quite enjoyable to [self] 'drive in a spirited fashion' in and amongst them and this behavior won't endanger or even bother the autonomous car occupants. Win/Win I say.
![]() 09/09/2013 at 15:52 |
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What about motorcycles? People still do that for fun. Yes there are safer, more convenient, more comfortable ways to travel, but Sunday morning drives on any 2 wheeled are here to say. Not to mention off-roading and to a lesser extent, track days.
![]() 09/09/2013 at 15:53 |
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I would spend the time hoping some teenage pranksters don't create a impassable roadblock of cardboard boxes and double the length of my daily commute like they've done almost every day since they figured this trick out.
![]() 09/09/2013 at 15:53 |
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My point being, dont give up on hope and that elusive fun factor. Plenty of years left on your side for driving fun!
![]() 09/09/2013 at 15:55 |
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sleep
![]() 09/09/2013 at 16:00 |
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Completely agree with you. I'd be all over an autonomous car for my commute.
1) Get some work done
2) Work on side projects for my cars
3) Figure out how to make money from side projects for my cars
4) Learn another language (I've tried the podcast thing, but I can't concentrate well enough while driving)
5) Read
![]() 09/09/2013 at 16:04 |
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The interesting part is the added convenience/safety worth the erosion of your personal freedom (total control of the car). I honestly dont know. I like the idea of safer drivers and driver-less cars for the elderly, but I think within 50 years there will be stretches of highway that prohibited for human drivers to drive on due to speed and density of these areas. It sort of cascades down a big brother conspiracy slope. Yada yada yada.....
As of right now, anytime I see a txting, phone using, eating, reading, distracted driver, I get irritated that they are effectively giving up their privilege and freedom to drive (by not paying attention) and ushering in government enforced autonomous vehicles so we can all be good safe little lemmings.
Hopefully there will always be a spot for classics.
![]() 09/09/2013 at 16:06 |
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And my point is, it's sad that people even want this kind of thing, that there is a side that doesn't want to drive. But thanks, I won't give up.
![]() 09/09/2013 at 16:06 |
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I love excuses to go on long trips...there's always a detour around traffic even if it takes you a bit out of the way.
![]() 09/09/2013 at 16:14 |
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I spent 7 hours in a 2013 Golf GTi yesterday driving from Orlando to Atlanta. It is a fine car, the weather was mostly good, there was little construction and traffic was manageable...and I was bored to tears. My friend reclined the seat and proceeded to nap/fart his way to the Georgia line. Why couldn't I nap and fart too? To entertain myself I went around the horn on XM like 5 times and noted every broken down car I could find on Waze.
I love driving when I get to drive, but stuff like this, and my daily commute, I could use the option of kicking on the autopilot for a while. Frighteningly, the only thing that enlivens this kind of drive for me is speed. Then I'm having fun when driving again. For better or worse, I have developed the self control to keep things reasonable, safe...and boring.
![]() 09/09/2013 at 16:18 |
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And this is a perfect example of why I think the self-driving car will be welcomed with open arms, especially for those of us that spend long hours in boring commutes.
![]() 09/09/2013 at 16:24 |
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1) Decide on a better place to live than Kansas or DC
2) Enjoy driving again
3) See step two and render further points irrelevant
![]() 09/09/2013 at 16:24 |
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Give my a oil temp, gas, electric, boost, oil pressure, and speed and RPM gauges and I am happy. There are very few other electronics I want. I'll take a couple engine sensors and a radio. After that, I just need a little trunk space and two seats. Finally, I will add horsepower, within reason. Anti Roll bars and a slightly upgraded suspension. I'll be happy forever.
![]() 09/09/2013 at 16:29 |
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There is no better place to live then DC. It ranks so high in so many categories. Most accidents, worst traffic, high murder rate, high property taxes, longest commutes. What's not to love!
![]() 09/09/2013 at 16:34 |
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I think you need to re-answer your own question. None of those things you listed sound enjoyable, minus #5 of course. #2 sounds more like a time waster than enjoyment activity.
The weird thing though is that I agree with your over all point. Autonomy for the tedious bits and manual mode for the motoring nirvana part (which i guess doesn't ever happen unless you are on a track).
Here are the top 5 things I would "enjoy". Spoiler all of them are activities I usually have to stay at home to sit on my ass to do,
Reading or listening to, a book.
Watching TV or a movie.
Playing some video game.
Catching up on some news/web surfing (probably mostly youtube /drive webisodes
Sleeping. (this is escalated depending on different scenarios / time of day)
![]() 09/09/2013 at 16:36 |
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Already posted my list, but side question.
Would you be able to drink in an autonomous car? Before getting in?
Road sodas?
![]() 09/09/2013 at 16:55 |
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6) Play Forza on a portable Xbox.
![]() 09/09/2013 at 17:52 |
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Two-fifths of your top five non-sex-related activities involve the anticipation of the failure of the very systems allowing you the "freedom" to indulge in creating and exercising said list. I doubt many creative juices would be flowing under the gut-wrenching torment of imminently being hurled into a bridge abutment/school bus of orphaned children by your well-intentioned autonomous car. I say this because our hypothetical lists both include clauses about overseeing the systems that oversee me.
![]() 09/09/2013 at 17:55 |
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I see your Need for Speed and raise you a Forza (causal)/iRacing (serious). Unless of course you're referring to the old school Hot Pursuit PC games. In that case, carry on my good man.
![]() 09/09/2013 at 17:55 |
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That is an extremely accurate analytical review of my list. Keep in mind, I suffer from an extremely deep-rooted fear of dying in a fiery crash. Not all people suffer from the same anxiety. Other are more YOLO-like.
![]() 09/09/2013 at 18:02 |
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I wouldn't exactly say I'm a fan of the prospect either. That said, if it were between a fiery death in an awesome futuristic autonomous car (that could be overridden of course) and being killed in a freak grocery store produce section accident involving slipping on a grape only to have pineapple break my fall via my rectum, I'd take the fiery demise.
![]() 09/09/2013 at 18:15 |
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DC is a city filled with people driving around with seemingly nowhere to go and no idea how to get there.
![]() 09/09/2013 at 18:31 |
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That is a very accurate assessment of DC driving.
![]() 09/09/2013 at 19:15 |
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"There is nothing erotic about idling at 4 miles an hour across the 14th Street Bridge in DC or driving in a straight line for 9 hours across Kansas."
I HAVE A SOLUTION TO THIS PRESSING PROBLEM FROM THE POINTLESS PITT OF PROTRUDING BOREDOM!
3 WHEELER MAKES EVERYTHING BETTER!
![]() 09/09/2013 at 19:19 |
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About 18 months ago I drove a 1000km+ journey in one day in my Nissan Pathfinder Turbo Diesel. I was entirely by myself. With rest breaks the journey took me about 16 hours. It was mostly on the mind-numbingly boring four lane Hume freeway between Sydney and Melbourne, a road I have driven countless times. After about 10pm there was only me and the interstate trucks on that road. It was dark and it was raining so there was nothing to see. The cruise was set to 115kph and it was hours of right signal, pull out to overtake truck, left signal, pull back into the left lane. It was the first journey I ever drove that I wished the car would just drive itself. I was so freaking bored!!
What would I have done with that time? Either slept or surfed eBay/Facebook whatever and wait to see how the autonomous car dealt with a kangaroo jumping out or some clown farmer crossing the freeway with an unlit tractor.
![]() 09/09/2013 at 19:54 |
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How many cars a year are destroyed by kangaroo? Curious how that stacks up to deer in the US and Elk in some parts of Europe.
![]() 09/09/2013 at 21:13 |
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I hope my next car is an egg shaped device with no windows. The interior would be a large open space with throw pillows and thick fabric on the walls. Possibly a disco ball and a bong for decoration. A HD monitor would dominate with views from the assorted HD cameras on the outside. And Wi-Fi.
Climb inside, get comfy, and get shit done.
![]() 09/09/2013 at 21:26 |
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I'm so happy you called people on their fucking bullshit. Your dead right when describing what driving is really like today. We need to make the distinction between driving and commuting, they are wholly different.
The idea of getting some work done or what ever else I decide to do behind the wheel is so much more appealing than fearing for my life constantly watching out for bad drivers. Hurling around the road in a 3000+ lbs piece of metal, glass and plastic is the most unsafe thing we do in our lives, and to be honest, I don't want to share the road with many of you ass hats.
For us enthusiasts, autonomous cars are the best thing and we just have to see the light. I heard once that as the autonomous electric car becomes the norm, it relegate our cars, burbling on gasoline, to the grave yard. Not so said the man, it will preserve them and we will treat cars as we treat horses today. Prized, valued and loved things that provide joy and happiness when and where we choose.
Just as we keep our horses at a stable, on a farm for riding enjoyment, we will keep our cars at a track and take them out, under our own power when we want and how we want, That doesn't sound so bad too me.
![]() 09/09/2013 at 21:33 |
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You sir, made my day with that response. Three cheers for you. Someone who gets it.
![]() 09/09/2013 at 23:03 |
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The old ones, the good ones
![]() 09/09/2013 at 23:10 |
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I don't know if statistics exist for destroyed vehicles (beyond economic repair), but there are about 20,000 kangaroo and car collisions reported every year. My wife has hit one but it was a glancing blow on a front corner and she was able to drive away and the car was repaired. I have been close to hitting one quite a few times, but managed to avoid them.
![]() 09/10/2013 at 01:06 |
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I guess none of you have seen the documentary about Dr. Horatio Nelson Jackson, the first man to drive across the United States by automobile in a 1903 Winton Touring car. He was accompanied by his mechanic and a dog named Bud that he picked up on the trip. The 1903 Winton now resides in the Smithsonian Museum. The trials and hardships and breakdowns were immense and most of us would have given up on the first week of the trip. Watch the documentary and none of you will ever cry about how bored you are in your air conditioned and heated, comfy cars. Now all of you shut up and drive like a man.
![]() 09/10/2013 at 05:24 |
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I've actually read multiple accounts of cross county automobile exploits in the early 1900's. I'm obsessed with archived newspapers from the Library of Congress. I'm also familiar with this exhibit as I do reside in D.C.
![]() 09/10/2013 at 07:46 |
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I live in Germany, I love driving!
![]() 09/10/2013 at 09:56 |
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My work commute is a 15 minute bicycle ride (by choice), so I'd be most interested in an autonomous feature on road trips. That would mean-
-car spotting
-talking with my fellow passengers
-eating junk food
-reading books until they are interrupted by car spotting
![]() 09/10/2013 at 18:37 |
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Can you give me any details of the other early cross country trips so I can look them up?
![]() 09/10/2013 at 20:31 |
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Here is one that I looked at
http://chroniclingamerica.loc.gov/lccn/sn8506638…
![]() 09/10/2013 at 22:57 |
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I had an epiphany; I want an autonomous vehicle
I drove from Orlando to Miami every other weekend due to work, for 4 years. I know what you felt. Almost every trip I had that thought.
...and my top activity?... video games, i.e Oculus Rift (while driving). Imagine the adventure. You could have all the
curvy roads
you could ever want